The Power Of The Pause

The Power Of The Pause

by | Oct 18, 2018 | Emotions, It's All About You, Relationships

Have you ever had one of those moments when words flew out of your mouth that you immediately regretted? Or when the tone of your voice caused someone to frown, to take a step back or to react in anger?

I remember as a teenager hearing the words, ‘count to ten before you answer’.

And me, being the typical teenager that I was, rolled my eyes so far back in my head that all you could see was the whites of my eyes!

It sounded stupid to me. I didn’t have time for that. And of course it was my mother who said it to me so what would she know? No ‘listen to others and learn from their experience’ for me!

And so those moments I spoke about at the beginning of this article? Yeah, those were mine. And not just once. I made a habit of it. I became an expert. And it created havoc in my life.

Until I learned the power of the pause …

The power of just taking one damn moment to engage my brain, to engage my heart and to look at who I was speaking to. To really look and see a person in front of me. Someone real with goals, dreams, sadness, struggles and desires of their own. To just stop, pause, listen and regroup before responding.

Your brain is the wonderful machine that runs your life.

And when I say ‘runs your life’ I don’t just mean that it runs your organs or that it controls your physical senses. Your brain is like a matchmaker. It’s a filing system that’s working 24/7

It’s constantly processing information and matching it to what it already knows. For such an amazing organ, it’s really quite lazy! Your brain will always take the path of least resistance.

“You will always see what you expect to see and hear what you expect to hear” – Allanah Hunt

Let me explain what I mean.

Your Brain is Like a Computer

Imagine you have a pile of paperwork or files on your computer that need to be organised. The only way you can do this task is to categorise the various files or pieces of paper in a way that matches the folders that are already set up.

The majority of this task is relatively easy but every so often you come across a piece of paper or a file that just doesn’t seem to fit anywhere. It has to go somewhere, and you don’t want to create a new folder so what do you do? You stuff it in the folder that ‘kinda’, ‘sorta’, matches. It’s not a great fit but given the options, it’s the only one that makes any kind of sense.

It’s the same with your brain. After the age of seven your brain doesn’t make any new folders.

Your brain categorises new experiences based on previous ones and lumps them together as the ‘same thing’.

As a child you responded to events and experiences with limited understanding. You thought in black and white, or right and wrong because that’s as much as your young brain could understand. And so the way you responded to events was often dramatic. Either laughing excitedly or sobbing uncontrollably. The simplest thing would trigger a reaction that from an adult’s perspective was very extreme.

You know this is true. You’ve seen it for yourself. One minute a child is happy and the next, it’s as if the world has ended. That’s just kids. It’s because their brain simply cannot process the world in the way an adult can.

But here’s where it gets really interesting. Those folders your brain is creating before you’re seven are the building blocks for your life. And they’re not just inert folders. They have a trigger attached to them. They have an emotional charge connected to them that is replayed on auto pilot over and over again. And that charge powers your thoughts, it powers your emotions, it powers your heart rate and it powers your blood pressure.

Can you see where I’m going here?

If your brain stopped making folders after seven years of age and categorises all new experiences based on old ones, then the resulting reaction to the old event was also formed before you were seven. And unless you were actively taught healthy ways to understand and manage your emotions, a version of the childlike you will continue to show up in your adult life, particularly in times of stress.

A rational adult mind has the ability to see different sides of the same situation, but at times it’s like a bypass switch is flipped. The rational part of your brain switches off and your automatic preprogramed part switches on. It happens in a fraction of a second and can have devastating results.

It’s why we put kids in ‘time out’.

And it’s why we need to take a moment to pause before we respond.

We Need To Interrupt The Pattern

It’s about creating an interruption. Something that stops the bypass switch from being triggered in your brain. Something that creates the space for you to regroup and make a choice.

Count to ten, hum a tiny song in your head, flick a rubber band on your wrist or look away for a few moments. Choose something that will work for you and practice it.

If you’re a parent, practice it with your kids. Practice it with your work colleagues. Practice it with your parents. Practice it with your partner.

Try it out with the person you find most annoying in your life. The person who just makes you want to scream with frustration.

Yeah, that person.

Because that person is acting in a way that triggers an automatic reaction in your brain. Probably nothing to do with them but something your brain has an existing emotional charge around. Something your brain has lumped in with another time, another place and another experience.

Take a moment to pause.

Take a moment to look at that person differently. Take a moment to step away from the immediate anger, frustration or other emotion that is flowing hotly through your veins.

Why?

Because how we feel shows up in every part of our body, in our facial expressions, in words and how we say those words even if we’re not aware of it. Just as you have triggers that set off the bypass switch in your brain, so do others. And the meeting of two explosive charges is never going to deliver a positive result.

Although the outcome of a meeting of two people is created by those two, you have the opportunity to choose your part in that outcome. And by choosing your part, you impact the other for better or for worse. You can’t control how someone else responds but you can choose not to be the trigger that flips their bypass switch.

There is power in the pause.

The 5 Languages Of Love

The 5 Languages Of Love

by | May 26, 2017 | Relationships

We all want to be loved.

And the opportunity to give love in return.

But what happens when the love you give is misunderstood or the love you receive doesn’t feel like love to you?

We give love to others in the way we wish to receive it but in many cases our desire to make someone else feel loved, backfires.

No matter how hard you work to show your partner how much you care about them, they just don’t feel loved

According to author Gary Chapman, there are 5 core love languages.

Each of us understand one of these languages but may completely misunderstand the other 4.

Learning the different languages and listening for the one that your partner understands can have a huge impact on your relationship. When you know what someone needs in order to feel loved, you can use words and actions to demonstrate your love in a way that they understand.

Speaking the language of love is a key component in avoiding misunderstandings, resentment and conflict. When we feel loved, we want to do more for the other person. And so the cycle of love grows and blossoms.

Our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love but to be genuinely loved by another, to know a love that grows out of reason and choice, not instinct. I need to be loved by someone who chooses to love me, who sees in me something worth loving – Gary Chapman

Which love language do you speak?

And which one does your partner speak?

Words Of Affirmation

One way to show love is to speak in a way that affirms the other person. You can do this by complimenting your partner.

“Your hair looks beautiful today”

“I love how you look in that suit”

“I love how you make me laugh”

Verbal appreciation is one of the most powerful languages of love there is.

When you pay someone a compliment it lets them know you see them.

That you notice them and appreciate them.

 Quality Time

Just because you live in the same house, doesn’t mean you spend quality time together. You may sit in front of the television together in the evening but there is a big difference between quantity and quality.

Quality time involves giving your undivided attention to your partner. Time without distractions and outside of your usual routine. Think back to when you were first dating. You wanted to know everything you could about them; you couldn’t get enough of each other.

But the busyness of life has a way of getting in the way of love. Or more correctly, the demonstration of love that we each need in order to feel appreciated.

If your partner’s primary love language is quality time, make the effort to go on a date, go for a walk by the beach or through your neighbourhood. Remove yourselves from the distraction of your routine and take the time to be completely present with each other. There is no surer way to reconnect and reignite your passion.

Receiving Gifts

Love is not about money but for some people, the act of giving is a key component in feeling loved. Valentines Day may have become overly commercial but the intention behind it is pure. It’s a chance for you to show your partner how much you love them through the giving and receiving of gifts.

But why wait until Valentines Day? When you give an unexpected gift, it lets your partner know that you have been thinking about them. That you know them well enough to find the perfect thing they will love. If your partner’s face lights up when you give them a gift, then you can be fairly sure this is part of their core love language.

Acts of Service

For some people the greatest demonstration of love is to see you do something you know they will appreciate. This may be as simple as cooking a meal once a week, or taking care of the kids for a few hours on a Saturday so your partner can have some time to themselves. Or it could be giving a foot massage, cooking a special meal or simply emptying the dishwasher.

This is not about stereotypes and role definition but about making the time to do something to make your partner’s load a little lighter. Making the effort to share the load really lets your partner know that you see how hard they work and that you are there for them.

Physical Touch

We have long known that physical touch is a powerful way of demonstrating love for your partner. Embracing, kissing, holding hands and sex are special acts which you do not share with anyone else. For some people, physical touch is vital. Without it, they don’t feel loved. Physical love allows these people to feel secure in their relationship with their partner.

It can be as simple as touching their hand as you walk through the room they are sitting in. Or a hug and a kiss each morning and evening as you leave and return to house. It doesn’t take much time or thought but can mean so much to your partner.

It is so easy to fall into routine with your partner and forget to show them how much you love and appreciate them.

But for a relationship to survive, both people must feel loved, seen, appreciated and secure. Without this, arguments and resentments can arise creating friction that runs like an undercurrent through your relationship. And when someone doesn’t feel secure and important to their partner, they may look for that feeling somewhere else.

Knowing your love language and discovering the love language your partner speaks, is a powerful way to transform your relationship and reignite those feelings of love that you are looking for.

Why Do Men Pull Away When Their Woman Is Upset?

Why Do Men Pull Away When Their Woman Is Upset?

by | Apr 7, 2017 | Relationships

As women we often believe that if our partner’s truly loved us, they would be able to see when we are upset and want to protect and comfort us. Isn’t that what a man is supposed to do?

So when he pulls away, we tell ourselves he doesn’t love us

For a long time, I believed this to be true. I thought if I showed how upset I was, that my partner would give me the comfort I wanted. And the more he pulled away, the more upset I got. I truly expected him to follow me and do whatever he could to make me feel better.

It was only after a couple of failed relationships that I discovered the truth. And like any ‘truth’, it will not be universal to every man however, it is common to the majority.

A man needs his woman to be happy in order to feel like a man!

If you are miserable, he feels like he needs to fix you. Well the first time anyway.

But if no matter what he does, you are often upset, angry or emotional, he feels worthless and helpless. He truly feels threatened at a very deep level and will often do anything to avoid facing you or your emotions even going so far as to leave the relationship altogether.

What might feel like a series of temporary emotions to you, spells ongoing misery to him particularly if you are telling him you are upset because of something he has or hasn’t done.

As women we can struggle to recognise this as for most of us, seeing someone upset or crying brings out our maternal or empathetic side. We have a desire to comfort that sees us move toward rather than away from the person. For us, in many ways, this brings a closer connection with someone we care for.

But most men are wired very differently. They care at a very deep level but if they feel unable to ‘fix you’, they will often walk away rather than continue to experience feelings of helplessness or powerlessness

Men have an ability to compartmentalise different parts of their life in a way that sometimes I envy. So if it appears they are happily watching television even though you are clearly upset and wanting to talk, it’s because they can’t deal with how he feels when he sees and hears your emotions. He has simply decided to flick a switch in his brain as a way to escape.

Unfortunately, this defence feels like rejection to a woman. It feels rude, unfeeling and even like abandonment in some cases. It leaves us feeling unloved and invisible. And as we see actions as demonstrating the truth far more clearly than words, we convince ourselves that our partner just doesn’t care.

It might feel true for you but for your partner who loves you deeply, he feels misunderstood, misaligned and completely alone. He has nowhere to go with his feelings and so simply withdraws even further. And if he believes he can’t make you happy, he would rather let you go than continue to cause you pain.

The greatest gift you can ever give another person is your own happiness – Esther Hicks

When your man sees you happy, he will move towards you. He will want to bask in the reflection of your happiness as it makes him feel like a success. He will feel accepted and respected both of which are vital to a man’s sense of self-worth and his ability to truly be himself.

Now you may be thinking, ‘but I need to be myself too’. Why do I have to show a happy face when I’m annoyed or feeling hurt?

I’m not saying you can’t have emotions or that you can’t be honest about them. But when you bring those emotions into the space between you and your man, the chances are that you will not get the outcome you are hoping for. In going to him when you are emotional, he will feel attacked and immediately be on the defensive.

Imagine you had an issue with a colleague at work. If you were to spew your emotions across the boardroom table, would you be met with respect and understanding? Would this be a path to resolution?

While your relationship with your partner is far more intimate, and you may feel it’s a place to be ‘completely honest’, bringing your intense emotions to the table will not result in the understanding or respect you desire. Your words will not be heard above the feelings that will be triggered in your partner.

So the way to resolve issues between you is to learn healthy ways to manage your own emotions so that you can have a rational and balanced discussion about what is bothering you. When you are in balance, you can address the issues in a calm manner which will encourage conversation. And remember that any conversation is a two-way street. If you want him to listen to your point of view, then you must be prepared to hear his in return even if it feels uncomfortable.

In this way you give and receive respect. Two people who love each other and who choose to navigate the trials of a life together. Never forget that your partner has emotions too. Just because he doesn’t express them in a way that you recognise, doesn’t mean they don’t exist.

With a strong base your partner will feel able to comfort you when you truly need it. In those times when life throws you a curve ball, he will want to be your rock. And he will turn to you when things are difficult for him too.

And isn’t that what it’s all about?

Sharing the highs and lows of life in a supportive and loving way is a gift beyond compare. A gift you can give to your partner and one you can receive in return.

5 Key Ways To Improve Empathy

5 Key Ways To Improve Empathy

by | Mar 25, 2017 | Emotions, Relationships

Empathy is a very important skill.  It helps us develop deep levels of rapport and trust, both of which are vital for the success of our relationships as well as our interactions in the workplace. Having poor empathy skills can lead to unnecessary conflict born out of misunderstandings.

In business, the key component to our success is understanding the needs of our clients, patients, customers or staff. If we don’t focus on ‘putting ourselves in their shoes’, we will make catastrophic mistakes which can lead to failure.

The dictionary describes empathy as “the ability to understand and share the feelings of another”.

Understanding the importance of empathy and employing those skills are two different things. It is only when we act with true empathy that we can create connections that are long lasting and real.

There are some instances where acting with empathy can feel overwhelming. It is important to learn how to balance our empathy for others with the need to take care of ourselves or we will burn out completely.

So what can we do to build empathy skills and improve our relationships with those around us?

Pay Close Attention

This might seem like a no-brainer but in truth, we are often so distracted by our mobile devices, what is showing on the television or our need to tell our own story, that we don’t really notice what someone is telling us. Just because you hear the words someone is saying, doesn’t mean you’ve heard them. Improving your listening skills will help you pay more attention to others and allow you to pick up on the emotions behind the words.

A great way to raise your ability to pay attention is to watch television with the sound off. In this way you can watch the interplay of emotions between the various characters and learn to pick up cues which will help you follow the story.

Distance Yourself From Stereotypes And Find Commonalities

We all have pre-conceived ideas about others based on the media, our peers and our own observations. But when it comes to individual interactions, we must put those aside and find a way to connect with others.

The best way to build a connection is to meet people where they are. Everyone has a story and if you take the time to listen, you might be surprised at what you discover. Sometimes the people we understand the least have the most to teach us.

Agree to Disagree

There may be occasions when you don’t agree with someone else’s view of a specific situation but where you can nonetheless recognise that empathy is required. This is particularly important when somebody is having a strong emotion and asking you to do something you can’t do.

Sometimes all that’s required is to listen and convey what is called cognitive empathy. It is possible to be authentically empathetic to show you understand what they are experiencing without having to agree.

Learn How To Respond

It can be very difficult to know what to say in response to someone, and to determine when to keep quiet and when to speak. Learning how to respond takes practice but a good rule of thumb is to simply acknowledge their feelings without giving advice. This is a hard one but the art of empathy is largely about ensuring that someone feels heard.

Practice saying statements such as, ‘I’m sorry this happened to you’. Say it several times to yourself in the mirror so that you can see the expression on your face when you speak. Watch empathetic leaders to listen to the tone of voice they use as well as their facial expressions.

In order to truly connect with others, we must allow ourselves to be vulnerable and potentially show emotion in response to theirs. It is not enough to put on a face or modulate your tone of voice. Empathy is conveyed through feeling rather than the words we use.

Strengthen Your Connection With Yourself

It is impossible to show empathy to others if you don’t have a strong connection with yourself first. As you show empathy to yourself, you will develop the ability to truly connect with other people’s emotions in a way that adds kindness, compassion and understanding to their situation.

Think about times when you have faced a difficult situation and what you might have needed at that time. Did your friends and family show empathy? What did that look like? What made you feel supported or unsupported? If you felt unsupported, what empathy did you show to yourself that helped you overcome your own difficulties? As you explore this, you will begin to put together a clear picture of how empathy can help others.

Empathy is a multi-faceted skill that will require practice and the ability to be flexible. Not everyone will want the same response from you so it’s important to be able to recognise subtle nuances in someone’s posture, facial expressions and tone of voice. And it’s just as important to become aware of the time when even though someone seems to be emotional, they may not wish to interact with you.

Finding Love Again

Finding Love Again

by | Jan 6, 2017 | Relationships

Everyone wants to find their special someone, right?

Someone to share your life, who will be with you through thick and thin, who will love you even when you’re not very lovable and who will truly understand you.

But if you found that with someone only to lose them and the future you planned together, what do you do now?

There are plenty of ‘fish in the sea’ but how do you find your perfect catch?

Perhaps you’ve cast your net far and wide only to throw them all back.

Or maybe you’ve yet to dip your toe in the water for fear you might get bitten again.

Finding love again is NOT the same as finding it the first time round …

When we find our ‘perfect match’ the first time around, everything seems to fall into place really easily. There is love all around, you grow together and adapt to each others unique habits and needs. You each take on roles in the relationship that work for the two of you and there are unspoken understandings that develop. These understandings become a part of how you relate to each other.

But these understandings also become a part of you. They set up expectations about what a relationship looks like, how it works and how people behave when they love you. This becomes your new understanding of ‘normal’.

This sets up two distinct scenarios when you look for love again:

  1. You keep choosing the same type of person only to get hurt over and over again
  2. You meet good people but for some reason they just don’t light your fire

Deep in your subconscious mind, there is a set of understandings, expectations and beliefs formed from your previous relationship that set up a pattern of recognition. Despite your desire to find someone who is different from your ex, there is a deeper part of you that is looking for the comfort of the familiar.

And it’s this deeper part of yourself that does the choosing!

Sounds scary huh?

It can be, but now that you know what’s going on, you have the perfect opportunity to free yourself from previous relationships and reset your mind by reconnecting with who you are.

Rediscover Your Passions

What did you used to love to do? Once upon a time there was something that made you smile, something that filled your soul and something that brought you peace. When was the last time you made the time to indulge your passion?

Ask Yourself What’s Important

When we have been with someone a long time we tend to take on many of their ideas, their thoughts and their points of view as our own. Or if not our own, as somehow acceptable or ‘normal’. But what is true for you? What is important to you? What really matters to you?

Write Your Dreams

How would you really like to live? Where would you like to go? What would you want to do? We all have responsibilities but if you could do anything, go anywhere … what would your life look like?  The answers to these questions tell you a lot about yourself and who you are at the deepest level.

Restyle Yourself

Take yourself to the store and play ‘dress up’. Pick clothing you wouldn’t usually choose and try it on. Put on a hat, choose the biggest chunkiest jewellery, the loudest colours … see how you feel when you step outside of your usual choices. You don’t need to buy anything, just have fun! Take some selfies to capture the moment.

Go Somewhere New

Part of rediscovering yourself is stepping outside your comfort zone. You don’t have to terrify yourself but going somewhere new gives you an opportunity to see yourself in a new situation. How do you feel?

Reconnecting with yourself allows you to see yourself with new eyes. As you rediscover the person you are, you will automatically move away from old ideas which may not be your own. Each step you take brings you closer to yourself.

To find love again you must know who is coming to the relationship. You must know yourself.

Then you can meet your perfect match and find love again …

‘how to heal your pain, understand your loss and build a life of joy, love and promise .…. for women of all ages and most particularly for those who have worked so hard to be the best wife, mother, partner and lover they could be, only to find that the dream they toiled so long to create has vanished into thin air’

A poignant and inspirational guide which takes the reader beyond the pain and disillusionment of separation and divorce to a world of possibility and freedom. A powerful and insightful book which challenges our perceptions and expectations about marriage and relationships. A truly remarkable look at the ideals that women aspire to and the devastating effect that their failure to meet them has on their lives.

Buy The Book

Rediscover Your Passions

What did you used to love to do? Once upon a time there was something that made you smile, something that filled your soul and something that brought you peace. When was the last time you made the time to indulge your passion?

Ask Yourself What’s Important

When we have been with someone a long time we tend to take on many of their ideas, their thoughts and their points of view as our own. Or if not our own, as somehow acceptable or ‘normal’. But what is true for you? What is important to you? What really matters to you?

Write Your Dreams

How would you really like to live? Where would you like to go? What would you want to do? We all have responsibilities but if you could do anything, go anywhere … what would your life look like?  The answers to these questions tell you a lot about yourself and who you are at the deepest level.

Restyle Yourself

Take yourself to the store and play ‘dress up’. Pick clothing you wouldn’t usually choose and try it on. Put on a hat, choose the biggest chunkiest jewellery, the loudest colours … see how you feel when you step outside of your usual choices. You don’t need to buy anything, just have fun! Take some selfies to capture the moment.

Go Somewhere New

Part of rediscovering yourself is stepping outside your comfort zone. You don’t have to terrify yourself but going somewhere new gives you an opportunity to see yourself in a new situation. How do you feel?

Reconnecting with yourself allows you to see yourself with new eyes. As you rediscover the person you are, you will automatically move away from old ideas which may not be your own. Each step you take brings you closer to yourself.

To find love again you must know who is coming to the relationship. You must know yourself.

Then you can meet your perfect match and find love again …

5 Ways Your Emotions Could Be Sabotaging Your Life

5 Ways Your Emotions Could Be Sabotaging Your Life

by | May 2, 2016 | Emotions, Relationships

Just because somebody is smiling on the outside, doesn’t mean everything is okay in their life. Just because no tears fall from their eyes, doesn’t mean they aren’t breaking on the inside.

Emotions take many forms but we all have them, we all experience them whether we choose to express them or not

But where do they come from?

It often ‘feels’ like our emotions are caused by events that happen or by other people’s behaviour but in fact your emotions come from the way you think about those events or behaviours. It’s not the events themselves that cause your feelings but the way you decide to respond to them.

Your brain is a complex organ that runs all the functions of your body. It has many automatic functions such as keeping your heart beating, your lungs breathing, reminding you to eat and sleep to name just a few.

But it also a gatherer of information.

Your brain is like a massive computer which receives information at a rate of around 400 billion bits per second however, we are only aware of approximately 2000 of those bits. Your body is sending 11 million bits per second but your brain is only processing approximately 50 bits per second.

What these statistics indicate is that your brain has an automatic way of eliminating information that seems unnecessary or irrelevant. In essence, your mind is only taking in data which is already recognises and can file in an appropriate drawer. The rest it discards before it even enters your mind.

So if your emotions are fuelled by your thoughts, and your thoughts are determined by what you already know and understand, isn’t it possible that much of what you think is no longer relevant to your life today?

Isn’t it possible that an update in your programming is required?

Just because your brain puts two seemingly similar events in the same file and triggers emotions from the first to replay at the second, doesn’t mean that it is correct or that you have to go along with it.

You have the power to react or respond.

A reaction is an automatic function of your programming; a response is a choice.

Emotions are temporary states of mind. Don’t let them destroy you

Lashing Out In Anger

We’ve all had times when we become suddenly and fiercely angry. In a moment of frustration we lash out at someone, speak harshly or in some cases throw something or cause physical harm to another person. Anger is a useful emotion when it is used to channel action to make a change however, when used without control, it can destroy your relationships with the people around you, impact on your career and cause long term bitterness that will sabotage your life forever.

Instead of allowing the default position of anger to be your reaction, take the time to count to 10 before responding. Sometimes the most powerful response is simply to remain silent or to walk away.

Allowing Anxiety To Control You

We all have boundaries that keep us safe, where we feel comfortable and certain. Fear is simply the brain’s way of letting you know you are in danger or more commonly that you are taking a step outside your comfort zone. Just because something feels strange, unfamiliar or risky, doesn’t automatically mean you should avoid it.

The next time you feel anxious, stop for a moment and ask yourself if you are in any real danger. If not, then thank your brain for doing its job to keep you safe and ask it to join you on a new adventure.

Reliving A Moment Of Loss

Loss is an inevitable part of life. At some point, we will all lose someone we love, someone we value or someone who is a huge part of our life. The emotions that spill over in a time of loss can threaten to drown you, to overwhelm you with their intensity such that you cannot function, that you cannot connect with your own life. Many people find themselves stuck in a moment of loss sometimes for years or for the rest of their lives. They relive the pain of that loss over and over again until it becomes their natural state of being. They are in reality programming their brain to a new state of normal.

Instead of reliving the loss, focus on the wonderful memories and appreciate the times you had together. Hold those memories in your heart like jewels and when you feel sad, bring out your treasure, hold it up to the light and smile.

Holding On To Guilt

Every single one of us has at some time in our life, made a choice which someone else has found difficult to deal with. Sometimes it’s our emotional reaction to a situation that causes another pain and sometimes it’s simply that your path and theirs are not going in the same direction. There are times when its appropriate to apologise for your words or actions and to take responsibility for the hurt they have caused someone else. However, taking responsibility is not the same thing as feeling guilty. Guilt is like stabbing yourself over and over again in the same place with the same knife. It’s a wound that never heals.

Apologise for the wrong if it is appropriate and then forgive yourself. You are not responsible for someone else’s emotions and you cannot make it right by feeling guilty. Let the other person handle their feelings and learn to manage yours.

Building Walls

Our body has a natural defence mechanism to keep us safe from illness. We call this our immune system and it works by recognising a threat and putting up a wall to protect us from harm. Our brain does the same thing. “Once bitten, twice shy”; sayings like this reinforce the need to build walls to protect ourselves from being hurt. But the outcome of one situation does not dictate the outcome of another unless you react based on a previous experience. Remember how our brain puts similar situations together and treats them the same?

You can choose to see each event, each meeting and each relationship as a totally new and separate experience. Instead of building walls, you can keep your heart and mind sharp, set clear but flexible boundaries for yourself and stay open. Challenge your brain to discover new information and in doing so you will expand your capacity for learning and for growing.

Certainly there are times when it is appropriate to walk away, to keep yourself safe from situations which will hurt you but you are the master of your life. Your brain works for you and just like a computer program needs constant updates to remain relevant, so does your brain.

Challenge yourself to take a step back from your conditioned way of reacting and make a new choice.

You truly have the chance to change your life forever by stepping forward and becoming the BOSS OF YOUR OWN LIFE!

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