5 Key Ways To Help Yourself Cope With Emotional Pain

5 Key Ways To Help Yourself Cope With Emotional Pain

by | Nov 3, 2015 | Emotions, It's All About You

When we are sick or hurt ourselves, we feel pain. It is the body’s way of letting us know something has changed or is out of balance. It lets us know we need to take some time to heal. We can choose to ignore the pain and hope it goes away, or we can seek advice to speed up the healing process.

In the same way, emotional pain is the brain’s way of letting us know something has changed. We can ignore it and hope it goes away or we can learn ways to heal ourselves and create anew. People say; ‘time heals all wounds’ and certainly as life moves on you will learn to live with the pain. But to truly heal your life you need to take action.

If you fractured your arm, you are unlikely to carry on with life as normal and just allow time to heal the break. Firstly you would be in intense pain for a long time and secondly, your arm would not heal correctly and become strong.

Emotional pain is the same. It is only as you turn and face your pain that you can heal your life. The great thing is that you already have all the power you need to do this; you just need to learn how to use it.

Here are 5 ways to get started:

1.   Accept your feelings and don’t judge yourself for them. Pain is a normal part of life so allow yourself to feel.

2.   Find someone you trust to talk to. Don’t bottle your feelings up inside as they will just get bigger. Sharing the load with someone who loves you, helps you to heal.

3.   Don’t let anyone tell you that your feelings aren’t real. They are significant and important. Just remember that feeling alone doesn’t mean that no-one cares. And feeling sad doesn’t mean you will never be happy.

4.   Don’t allow this pain to define you. You are more than this one moment in your life and things will change again soon enough. Embrace your creativity and explore new parts of yourself.

5.   Write a list of things you are thankful for. If you do this often you will find your sense of balance again and start to move beyond the pain.

It is only as you take responsibility for your life that you discover how powerful you truly are.

8 Ways To Move Beyond A Break Up

8 Ways To Move Beyond A Break Up

by | Aug 6, 2015 | Emotions, Relationships

When a long term relationship breaks up there are so many changes which need to be dealt with that it can be overwhelming. Many of the things you have taken for granted in your life are subtly or overtly altering beyond recognition. I know from personal experience that even if you believe you have mentally prepared for being alone, the reality can take you by surprise.

What I have discovered over the many years I have worked with people is that because of the intimate (mental, emotional and physical) nature of the relationship with your significant other, there is a connection which runs through almost every aspect of your life. This may seem obvious but what I find is that in fact we often underestimate just how much of our reality is built on the foundation of togetherness. Much of what you understand about your past, your present and most particularly your future is tied up with your partner and the plans you have made together.

The connection which comes as a result of the interwoven life you build together means that when things fall apart you will both be reeling. Now I say ‘both’ very deliberately as although in some circumstances it appears that one of you has moved on very quickly, there is a fallout for both of you. This fallout will present in different ways, at different times and can be devastating.

I see so many messages which talk about ‘letting go’ or ‘moving on’ but no-one really seems to show you how to do this.

Words are cheap and the reality of letting go can seem impossible. We are told that time heals all wounds but I don’t believe this is true. I believe that time simply allows a scab to form which hides the wound from immediate view. Certainly the pain will numb over time but unless you turn and face it, you may never fully recover. And when I say ‘fully recover’ I don’t mean just surviving, I mean living freely in a way which reflects the true you.

You cannot go back to who you were before your relationship because your experiences have changed you. And it is difficult to see how you can continue to be who you were in your relationship.

So where does this leave you?

Well in many cases it leaves you feeling as if you have been thrown off a cliff and you are falling, desperately trying to find something to grab hold of on your way down. You are completely at a loss to know what to do; how to stop the panic, how to gain some equilibrium and can’t begin to think about the future as it is far to scary.

So ‘letting go’ is not the answer. How can you let go when you just know you are going to fall?

You need to build a new and unshakeable foundation for your life. You are the foundation of your life so you need to build your connection to YOU

‘how to heal your pain, understand your loss and build a life of joy, love and promise .…. for women of all ages and most particularly for those who have worked so hard to be the best wife, mother, partner and lover they could be, only to find that the dream they toiled so long to create has vanished into thin air’

A poignant and inspirational guide which takes the reader beyond the pain and disillusionment of separation and divorce to a world of possibility and freedom. A powerful and insightful book which challenges our perceptions and expectations about marriage and relationships. A truly remarkable look at the ideals that women aspire to and the devastating effect that their failure to meet them has on their lives.

Buy The Book

Become Your Own Best Friend

Spend time with yourself. If you met someone for the first time and spent only 2 minutes with them, then ‘friendship’ would not be the right word to describe your relationship. So if you want to make a friend, you need to spend time with that person – you. Treat yourself as you would a brand new friend. Make time, smile at yourself, pay yourself a compliment.

Go Where You Feel Most Yourself

Sometimes its difficult to recognise where you feel safe, where you feel comfortable because your emotions and thoughts are all over the place. Take a moment to breathe and think about a place you loved as a child. Perhaps the beach calms you or a walk through a forest. Getting out into nature is a great way to get out of your own head and connect with the world outside of yourself. See how many birds you can count, keep an eye out for wildlife, breathe in the fresh air and allow yourself to calm.

Get Your Home In Order

The place you live in has a huge impact on your wellbeing. So if you are currently living with clutter, or are surrounded by reminders of your previous life, perhaps its time for a ‘clear out’. Surround yourself with the things you love, even if its just a few photos or a beautiful cushion. Putting your personality into your environment will help you feel good about yourself.

Be Creative

At some point in your life there was something you loved to do. Perhaps you like to sew, knit or scrapbook, maybe you enjoy woodworking, pottery or gardening or perhaps you play a musical instrument, write or sing. Creative pursuits come from inside of you and are the expressions of your deepest nature. Spending time in a creative activity gives you the chance to learn more about yourself as well as giving you a positive focus.

Schedule Your Life

Routine is very important when you are looking to build a foundation. Schedule your responsibilities but be sure to allow time for you every day. If all you have is 5 minutes in the shower then make those 5 minutes special. Buy a beautifully fragrant body wash, give your skin a good invigorating scrub and put on a face mask. You will be amazed how much extra time you can find when you organise your life. Do not sit and wallow in front of the television – do a crossword puzzle or creative activity and you will find your energy increases.

Trust Yourself

If you have children, you know that adding a little more responsibility to their lives, builds more capability. The same is true for you. Set a goal to achieve, something simple to start with and then add a slightly more challenging one each time you master the one before. As you see your successes, you will learn to trust your own abilities.

Learn Something New

This is a great way to grow beyond your present understanding. As you learn something new, the memories and connections this education creates will not include your ex-partner. This is a great way to separate your new life from your old and give you confidence at the same time.

Take Action

The energy required to take action will fuel your mind and body and lift your spirits. If you require nothing of yourself, then you will stay exactly where you currently are. Even if you feel paralysed, overwhelmed and uncertain, taking action will improve your circulation, and give you a sense of achievement. Its not about ‘moving on’ but just about moving.

As you start to ‘see yourself’ and begin to strengthen your connection with you, the connection with your ex-partner will begin to weaken. As you focus on building a new foundation, the past will slowly slip away until you can’t see it any more. Imagine yourself with a lantern. You can only light up the area immediately surrounding you. If you stay still you will continue to see the past and feel afraid of the future. But the minute you take a step forward, the past dims and the path ahead becomes clearer.

I remember hearing Jack Canfield speak. He likens your life to driving across the country in the dark. When you leave your home you cannot see the whole route from there to your destination. Your headlights will only light up a short distance in front of you. But as you continue to drive, believing that the road in front of you will take you to where you want to go, your headlights continue to show you the next part of your journey. Soon your home is far behind you and you may not even know where you are. It can feel scary and somewhat daunting but if you keep driving on trust, eventually you will arrive at your destination.

Life is not a destination but simply a series of experiences that continue to unfold in front of you.

Build on what you know.

Add new knowledge.

Build a strong foundation and you will learn to fly.

To quote Martin Luther King Jr:

You don’t have to see the whole staircase – just take the first step

Who Do You See In The Mirror?

Who Do You See In The Mirror?

by | Jun 26, 2015 | Emotions, Law of Attraction, Manifestation

Every morning when my partner gets out of bed to ready himself for work, a small voice calls out mournfully, “that’s not me”, and I laugh to myself knowing he has either passed the mirror in the hallway or seen his face in the bathroom mirror. He jokes that it takes an hour for his face to bounce back to something resembling the image he expects to see.

And certainly there are mornings when I look in mirror and wonder what on earth happened to the young woman who used to look back at me. There are lines around my eyes, my chin doesn’t sit quite as pertly as it once did and my hair is going distinctly grey under the colour I torture it with.

I often say that nature must have a sense of humour as it seems the older I get, the less I can see.

But beyond the lines that time is drawing on my face, I see a woman who is smart, capable, warm and kind, friendly and one who genuinely cares about her friends, family and the world around her.

It wasn’t always this way.

For many years I was cruel and unkind to myself, focusing on the things that weren’t perfect about my body, my lack of tertiary education and my poor background. The woman who looked back at me was unsmiling, overweight, drab and almost invisible.

She was a direct reflection of the person I saw myself to be.

The more critical and judgemental I was toward myself the more my mirror image seemed to fade. Not in a physical sense as there was plenty of my body to go around, but in a way that was nonetheless tangible. It was if the light inside of me was being extinguished and I was becoming a shadow without a voice.

I did all the usual things. Started yet another diet, started going to the gym believing that if only I could lose some weight, then I would be able to find happiness. I refreshed my wardrobe with beautiful clothes as if I could hide myself inside them. Perhaps if I looked good on the outside, then the inside would catch up.

It didn’t work

No matter what I did to improve the way I looked on the outside, the inside still showed through. The person I truly believed I was, the one I criticised constantly, still greeted me each and every morning in the mirror. It really had nothing to do with what number was on the scale, what colour my shoes were, or what car I drove. It all had to do with me. To do with the way I saw myself.

How do I know this?

You may be familiar with this quote.

Treat others how you would like to be treated yourself

It was a large part of the background of my life and I hear it so often over social media and from parents as they raise their children. And its great advice to remember whenever we are interacting with others. I reminds us to be kind, to be loving, to be accepting, to never judge, to be empathetic and to care.

But how does this help you?

Lets see what happens when we move a couple of words around.

Treat yourself how you would like others to treat you

If you care how you treat others, many of whom are total strangers, why are you not caring for the one person who will be with you every moment of your entire life? What a difference it makes when you move a few words around. Imagine if you have been raised with this resounding in your ears? Imagine how different your life would be if you had been taking care of yourself all your life?

So if we go back to the mirror now … what do you see? Do you see someone who has been nurtured with love, kindness and care? Someone who has been praised for the successes in life? Someone who shines with the knowledge that they are important and valued?

If not, then this is your moment.

This is the day you begin again.

Don’t you dare give yourself a hard time for giving yourself a ‘hard time’ all your life. No more self abuse, no more cruelty, no more unkindness.

Its time to stand up for yourself. You do not need to take a kicking ever again.

Imagine you are meeting yourself for the first time. Greet yourself with the smile you would give to a new friend. Lean forward and give yourself a virtual hello hug.

Start by asking yourself a few questions.

  • How are you?
  • How’s your day been?
  • What have you got planned for the rest of the day?

These are the types of questions someone might ask you when you visit their store. Ask these questions and any others you would ask a new acquaintance. Be genuinely interested in the answers. Imagine you are introducing yourself to someone new.

When you get dressed in the morning be as complimentary as you would be to your best friend. Take pride in how you look, smile at yourself in the mirror, put your shoulders back and stride out confidently. Keep reminding yourself to stand straight, look people in the eye and smile.

And then watch what happens.

The more confident you are, the more people will be drawn to you.

And as you smile at others they will smile back giving you a lift and reinforcing your decision to care for yourself.

It will take time to reprogram your brain as you have been behaving a certain way towards yourself your whole life. Keep practising. Keep deciding and each day you will feel a little lighter.

Remember …

Treat yourself how you would like others to treat you

and watch your life change 

4 Ways To Reduce Anxiety When you Feel Afraid Of Life

4 Ways To Reduce Anxiety When you Feel Afraid Of Life

by | Jun 22, 2015 | Emotions, Law of Attraction, Manifestation

I don’t know about you but I’ve had times in my life when I’ve been afraid. Not the kind of afraid you feel when a bird comes swooping towards you, or the type of scary that a horror movie brings about but the sort of afraid that leaves you gasping for breath. The kind of scary that leaves you paralysed like a hedgehog in a car’s headlights. The type of afraid that has nothing to do with where you are or what surrounds you, but the terrifying that lives deep within you and follows you everywhere.

Do you know the sort of afraid I mean?

It seems strange that in western countries where we have little to truly be afraid of, no lions or tigers, no soldiers roaming the streets, no exploding bombs, that we can be so deeply traumatised by life that we simply cease to live it. And yet this has been my experience and those of many people I have met over the years. It seems the less we have to be afraid of the more fearful we  actually are.

So what is it that terrifies us so?

In our current culture there seems to be a need for certainty, a desire to understand what the future looks like and to know for sure that we are going to be okay. We are taught that life is ‘supposed’ to look a certain way and when it doesn’t measure up, or we are worried that it may not, we become afraid. But the truth is that life is constantly changing. In fact change is the only thing you can rely on.

So how do we marry up our need for certainty with the uncertainty of life?

The only way is through the acceptance of what is. It is the constant fight against the reality we see, and the uncertainty of what may come that causes us to be anxious and afraid. When we give up the fight and surrender to what is, we have the opportunity to start from where we are and build anew. Fighting will make you feel out of control whereas acceptance puts the power back in your hands.

Be in the moment

If you want to be sad, live in the past. If you want to be anxious, live in the future. If you want to be peaceful … Live In The Now

The past is anything that has happened prior to this minute. We often think of the past as being less recent. Perhaps a few weeks, months or several years ago. But anything that isn’t ‘now’ is in either the past or the future. So the quickest way to acceptance is to live in the present moment. It is the only place you have any power. In this moment you can choose your responses, choose your thoughts and choose your actions.

Focus on what you have

Never let the things you want let you forget the things you have

Being grateful for what you have, rather than focusing on what you have lost or don’t have yet, will remind you of the good that exists around you. Keep your eye firmly on your reasons to be thankful and you will begin to see more reasons to be grateful.

Find joy in the little things

You don’t have the power to make life fair but you do have the power to make life joyful

Finding joy in the little things allows you to feel more joy. Be glad that there is a flower blooming outside your window. Be happy when you hear the laughter of children in the street, at the school or in the supermarket. Smile when you see an animal at play or hear the birds sing. Turn you face up to the sun and breath deeply. Allow happy memories to come to mind.

Give yourself permission to be happy

Happiness is a conscious choice not an automatic response ~ Mildred Barthel

Its incredible to think that we need to give ourselves permission to be happy but for most of us this is the truth. Giving yourself permission to be happy, despite the reality you believe you see, shifts your focus. You will still have moments of sadness but these will be balanced by the happiness that you choose to feel. It really is that simple.

So next time you feel afraid of life remember to find joy in the little things, be grateful for what you have, smile and focus on this moment, right now. As you do, your fear will melt away leaving only the sunshine of your happiness. 

 

Learning To Dance In The Rain

Learning To Dance In The Rain

by | Jun 6, 2015 | Emotions, Law of Attraction, Manifestation | 0 comments

You may have seen the quote below so many times on social media that its lost it’s meaning for you. However, there is much truth in this saying.

Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass; its about learning to dance in the rain ~ Vivian Greene

I’ve had some storms in my life, times when I wasn’t sure how I was going to survive. And I’ll be honest with you, the last thing I wanted to do was dance. Some days smiling seemed impossible so the idea of dancing was ridiculous! I’m don’t remember seeing this quote during those times but I’ve seen it a lot over the past few years and unfortunately, the more you see something the less profound it appears. And if you are struggling, the words sound trite and your response is likely to be …

”Whatever – try living my life and then see if you feel like dancing!”

Rainmaking in its purest form was performed by American Indians who dressed in blue feathers and beads to symbolise the wind and rain. In times of drought the American Indians offered to perform a rain dance for the settlers in return for trade items. Storms and rain were reasons to celebrate.

In our western culture we have chosen to see the rain as something to be avoided. We put on our coats, huddle under umbrellas or in doorways and wait for the rain to pass. Only when the rain completely stops and we feel safe do we consider emerging again.

But what if the next time it raines, you decide to embrace it, choose to let it wash over you, throw your hands up and dance?

I will never forget the first time I did this. I was staying in a holiday home by the beach with my partner and we were woken at 3am by the sound of a storm. It was the most delicious sound as the waves lashed the shore, the rain hit the windows and the wind howled outside.

In a moment of spontaneity we ran outside to stand on the deck in the pouring rain as lightning flashed illuminating the spray of the waves. Every sense in our bodies were awake, alive and connected to nature and to each other. It was a magical moment neither of us have ever forgotten and one of our best times together. The power of the storm created a memory which will stay with us forever.

Life is like that. Understand that the storms of life are only here for a moment and will soon pass, washing away the pain of the past and transforming you from the inside into a person who sparkles in the light. The memory may stay with you forever but you can choose how to see that memory. As one of pain and despair or as a dance of celebration.

There is nothing to fear from the rain. It is simply a moment of cleansing which allows you to grow beyond your current understanding. Rain prepares you to accept the new and wonderful experiences which are yet to come.

Your dance in the rain shows your willingness to cleanse away the pain of the past and to embrace a future bright with promise. So rather than huddling in the corner, waiting until it feels safe enough to take a step forward, why not embrace the storm and learn to dance! x

 

If I Had Three Months To Live

If I Had Three Months To Live

by | Jun 6, 2015 | Emotions, It's All About You

When I was in my mid 30’s I found a small lump in my neck which I decided to ignore in the hope it would go away. When after seven weeks there was no improvement, I bravely took myself to the doctor who told me that the lump was in my lymph nodes.

Now if you know anything about your lymphatic system you will understand the instant fear that came to mind. My first thought was that I had a cancerous lump and that this would likely spread throughout my body and kill me. I had heard stories of people who had no symptoms for years only to discover that in fact they were dying. Whilst the doctor didn’t give me any reason to be afraid he also took the symptoms very seriously sending me immediately to have a biopsy.

When the tests came back as inconclusive, I was booked in to have surgery to remove the lump. At this time in my life, I had never had surgery and the thought of being put under the knife terrified me. So much so that I asked myself a very important and ultimately life changing question.

If I had three months to live – how would I want to spend it?

That simple question, much as I didn’t want to face my own mortality, changed my life forever. The answers which came back gave me the courage to make decisions in my life that although in the short term caused upheaval and emotional pain, I knew without a doubt were the right choices for me.

Before I went into hospital I wrote letters to each of my teenage children. There were things I wanted them to know, things I wanted them to remember should I not survive the surgery. As I look back now it feels somewhat overdramatic but at the time I felt strongly that it was important for me to write my feelings down. The clarity I had in those few days, the absolute knowledge that I needed to make changes was unbelievably powerful.

It was a surefire way to find out what my true priorities were. It was like the zooming of a microscope. All the stuff I thought was important disappeared completely as my focus turned to the people I loved, how short my time with them was and how I wanted to spend as many precious moments as I could with them before I went. It reminded me of the things I always wanted to do but had never gotten around to. The experiences I planned to have someday when … it showed me that now is all I have.

Fortunately for me, the results of the tests on the marble sized lump in my neck came back clear of cancer and I suffered no side effects from the surgery. 

Have you ever asked yourself this question?

If I had three months to live … how would I want to spend it?

If you are honest with yourself, you may be surprised at what you discover. You may be shocked to realise that you are spending most of your time doing things you hate. Wasting your time with people who don’t add to your life. It may seem selfish but when you realise how little time there is … selfish is exactly what you need to be.

So if the answers to that very pertinent question cause you to see with the clarity of a microscope, allow you to know without a shadow of a doubt what is important, what will you do about it?

I’m not suggesting you should fulfil a lifetime of desires but I am asking you to identify what is important to you and live your life in alignment with your highest values. Be with those you love, find joy in every moment, bring happiness to others, get out into nature and explore, learn something new, spend time alone. Don’t waste one more second concerning yourself with your past. Get to know yourself at the deepest level and follow your heart.

What are you waiting for? There will never be a more perfect moment than right now. Go ahead. Ask the question …. x

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