8 Ways To Move Beyond A Break Up

8 Ways To Move Beyond A Break Up

by | Aug 6, 2015 | Emotions, Relationships

When a long term relationship breaks up there are so many changes which need to be dealt with that it can be overwhelming. Many of the things you have taken for granted in your life are subtly or overtly altering beyond recognition. I know from personal experience that even if you believe you have mentally prepared for being alone, the reality can take you by surprise.

What I have discovered over the many years I have worked with people is that because of the intimate (mental, emotional and physical) nature of the relationship with your significant other, there is a connection which runs through almost every aspect of your life. This may seem obvious but what I find is that in fact we often underestimate just how much of our reality is built on the foundation of togetherness. Much of what you understand about your past, your present and most particularly your future is tied up with your partner and the plans you have made together.

The connection which comes as a result of the interwoven life you build together means that when things fall apart you will both be reeling. Now I say ‘both’ very deliberately as although in some circumstances it appears that one of you has moved on very quickly, there is a fallout for both of you. This fallout will present in different ways, at different times and can be devastating.

I see so many messages which talk about ‘letting go’ or ‘moving on’ but no-one really seems to show you how to do this.

Words are cheap and the reality of letting go can seem impossible. We are told that time heals all wounds but I don’t believe this is true. I believe that time simply allows a scab to form which hides the wound from immediate view. Certainly the pain will numb over time but unless you turn and face it, you may never fully recover. And when I say ‘fully recover’ I don’t mean just surviving, I mean living freely in a way which reflects the true you.

You cannot go back to who you were before your relationship because your experiences have changed you. And it is difficult to see how you can continue to be who you were in your relationship.

So where does this leave you?

Well in many cases it leaves you feeling as if you have been thrown off a cliff and you are falling, desperately trying to find something to grab hold of on your way down. You are completely at a loss to know what to do; how to stop the panic, how to gain some equilibrium and can’t begin to think about the future as it is far to scary.

So ‘letting go’ is not the answer. How can you let go when you just know you are going to fall?

You need to build a new and unshakeable foundation for your life. You are the foundation of your life so you need to build your connection to YOU

‘how to heal your pain, understand your loss and build a life of joy, love and promise .…. for women of all ages and most particularly for those who have worked so hard to be the best wife, mother, partner and lover they could be, only to find that the dream they toiled so long to create has vanished into thin air’

A poignant and inspirational guide which takes the reader beyond the pain and disillusionment of separation and divorce to a world of possibility and freedom. A powerful and insightful book which challenges our perceptions and expectations about marriage and relationships. A truly remarkable look at the ideals that women aspire to and the devastating effect that their failure to meet them has on their lives.

Buy The Book

Become Your Own Best Friend

Spend time with yourself. If you met someone for the first time and spent only 2 minutes with them, then ‘friendship’ would not be the right word to describe your relationship. So if you want to make a friend, you need to spend time with that person – you. Treat yourself as you would a brand new friend. Make time, smile at yourself, pay yourself a compliment.

Go Where You Feel Most Yourself

Sometimes its difficult to recognise where you feel safe, where you feel comfortable because your emotions and thoughts are all over the place. Take a moment to breathe and think about a place you loved as a child. Perhaps the beach calms you or a walk through a forest. Getting out into nature is a great way to get out of your own head and connect with the world outside of yourself. See how many birds you can count, keep an eye out for wildlife, breathe in the fresh air and allow yourself to calm.

Get Your Home In Order

The place you live in has a huge impact on your wellbeing. So if you are currently living with clutter, or are surrounded by reminders of your previous life, perhaps its time for a ‘clear out’. Surround yourself with the things you love, even if its just a few photos or a beautiful cushion. Putting your personality into your environment will help you feel good about yourself.

Be Creative

At some point in your life there was something you loved to do. Perhaps you like to sew, knit or scrapbook, maybe you enjoy woodworking, pottery or gardening or perhaps you play a musical instrument, write or sing. Creative pursuits come from inside of you and are the expressions of your deepest nature. Spending time in a creative activity gives you the chance to learn more about yourself as well as giving you a positive focus.

Schedule Your Life

Routine is very important when you are looking to build a foundation. Schedule your responsibilities but be sure to allow time for you every day. If all you have is 5 minutes in the shower then make those 5 minutes special. Buy a beautifully fragrant body wash, give your skin a good invigorating scrub and put on a face mask. You will be amazed how much extra time you can find when you organise your life. Do not sit and wallow in front of the television – do a crossword puzzle or creative activity and you will find your energy increases.

Trust Yourself

If you have children, you know that adding a little more responsibility to their lives, builds more capability. The same is true for you. Set a goal to achieve, something simple to start with and then add a slightly more challenging one each time you master the one before. As you see your successes, you will learn to trust your own abilities.

Learn Something New

This is a great way to grow beyond your present understanding. As you learn something new, the memories and connections this education creates will not include your ex-partner. This is a great way to separate your new life from your old and give you confidence at the same time.

Take Action

The energy required to take action will fuel your mind and body and lift your spirits. If you require nothing of yourself, then you will stay exactly where you currently are. Even if you feel paralysed, overwhelmed and uncertain, taking action will improve your circulation, and give you a sense of achievement. Its not about ‘moving on’ but just about moving.

As you start to ‘see yourself’ and begin to strengthen your connection with you, the connection with your ex-partner will begin to weaken. As you focus on building a new foundation, the past will slowly slip away until you can’t see it any more. Imagine yourself with a lantern. You can only light up the area immediately surrounding you. If you stay still you will continue to see the past and feel afraid of the future. But the minute you take a step forward, the past dims and the path ahead becomes clearer.

I remember hearing Jack Canfield speak. He likens your life to driving across the country in the dark. When you leave your home you cannot see the whole route from there to your destination. Your headlights will only light up a short distance in front of you. But as you continue to drive, believing that the road in front of you will take you to where you want to go, your headlights continue to show you the next part of your journey. Soon your home is far behind you and you may not even know where you are. It can feel scary and somewhat daunting but if you keep driving on trust, eventually you will arrive at your destination.

Life is not a destination but simply a series of experiences that continue to unfold in front of you.

Build on what you know.

Add new knowledge.

Build a strong foundation and you will learn to fly.

To quote Martin Luther King Jr:

You don’t have to see the whole staircase – just take the first step

The Truth About Falling In Love

The Truth About Falling In Love

by | Aug 1, 2015 | Energy, Relationships

We see romantic love portrayed all around us in television shows, films and advertising images. But what is it really? Is it the feeling of euphoria when you meet someone new? Is it the physical passion which often quickly follows? Is it the fluttery feeling which occurs when you think of the other person? Is it in fact an overwhelming feeling of warmth when you are with them?

Romantic novels make our hearts race and sometimes our tears fall as we experience falling in love through the eyes of our heroine and hero. The tussle which goes on as they resist their feelings which build despite their best efforts not to get involved until they each capitulate and find happiness in each others’ arms. So maybe this is the feeling we are looking for?

Or perhaps it’s because we want to feel like we belong; that we are a part of something bigger than ourselves; when two become one. A feeling of security and connection which feels like a relief when we find it. As if all is well in our world.

The truth is there are many elements to being in love and the satisfaction of each builds another layer of emotion until our feelings are so strong we feel they will last forever. That we have found ‘the one’ who makes us complete.

But let’s have a look at these layers and discover what’s really happening. You may think that the other person is creating the feelings of joy, euphoria, security and hope but in facts it’s you.

You are the one who is creating the feelings based upon your perceptions of what love is and how well what is happening fits them.

This is probably the most important thing to consider.

How will you recognise love when it comes along?

Surprisingly, it can have more to do with the things you are not aware of than those you are. It’s a bit like a game of pairs. You turn over lots of cards which do not match until the one which does is revealed. Similarly, you have a specific face which is made up of your beliefs, expectations and understanding of how a relationship ‘should’ look. It is these pre-existing markers which will determine the person you fall in love with even if they come in a package you do not expect. You will feel a connection to someone who fulfils the specific needs you have established even if you are not aware of what they are.

There are many needs which a person may wish to have met. They need for security, kindness, nurture, validation, acceptance, strength, beauty, absolution just to name a few. And within those, there are a myriad of meanings to each.

Let’s assume you are female and have a need for strength. This could be recognition of a strength you received from your father you wish to replicate. Or it could be that you saw your father as weak and are looking for the opposite. Perhaps you feel weak or powerless in your own life and feel the need for someone to take care of you. A partner who is decisive or powerful could be attractive to you.

But if you are not standing in your own power, you may attract someone who is controlling and overbearing, ultimately making you feel even more powerless as they strive to meet their need for dominance because of their own sense of inferiority. What started out as an apparent match in fact becomes a nightmare.

Or perhaps you have a need to nurture. You may find someone who is down on their luck attractive as it brings out your maternal instincts. You may gain enormous satisfaction from assisting them to improve their situation and then be completely shocked when they do not show you the appropriate gratitude. But perhaps your nurturing had the effect of making the other person feel beholden, weak or emasculated.

The imbalance of power between the two of you created resentment and frustration leading to cruelty and despair.

These are a couple of examples which may appear extreme but the truth is we attract based on what we put out to the world. Like attracts like even if this is not immediately apparent.

It’s a bit like a magnet where positive and negative are attracted to each other. Two people with the same fundamental need but whose behaviour is opposite will be a match. The power of this recognition can be like a magnet which is almost impossible to resist. Your strongest need is being met and therefore you tell yourself love will conquer all. There is heartbreak ahead for each of you but neither of you recognises the truth because your connection feels so strong.

In fact romantic love is based on an alignment of beliefs, expectations and needs.

And the closer the alignment, or perception of alignment, the stronger the feelings will become. Standing in your full power ensures that you will attract someone who compliments you, equal to equal.

True love includes respect, kindness, independence, acceptance, equality and freedom.

Without these, a relationship will fail as the balance of power tips first one way and then the next until the perpetual motion creates a rift which cannot be repaired.

Learning to live in Power and Freedom builds these qualities in you and as you put these out to the world you will attract the same in return. As everything comes from you, the world is yours to create however you wish. Your perception creates your reality so get clear and attract the love you truly deserve.

This 6 Letter Word Will Sabotage Your Happiness

This 6 Letter Word Will Sabotage Your Happiness

by | Jul 15, 2015 | Energy, Law of Attraction, Manifestation

There’s a word that most of us use on a regular basis that can have a detrimental effect on our self-esteem and our motivation. It’s only a small word, just six letters, but it has a massive impact on the way we view ourselves and our success in life.

We speak to ourselves almost continuously and the things we say, and the words we use, shape our lives. A lot of what we say is unconscious and goes on in the background without us being aware of it. But just because you haven’t listened to what you’re saying, doesn’t mean you’re not hearing it.

The brain works a bit like a groove on an LP. The needle goes around and around in the grooves, playing the same piece of music every time, no matter how many times you play it. In the same way, the words you say, whether in your mind or out loud, will create an automatic way of thinking.

So what is this 6 letter word that will sabotage your happiness?

The word ‘should’ is such a small word that we almost don’t hear it.

“I really should …”.

Sounds harmless enough doesn’t it? Sometimes we use this word because we want to be accepted by the people we are with. Other times we see or hear something which has improved the life of someone else and think perhaps it may help us too.

But mostly we use this word because we are not taking the action we think we ‘should’.

Perhaps you wish to lose weight or start an exercise program and tell yourself “I really should go to the gym today”; or “I really shouldn’t eat that chocolate brownie”.  Or maybe you have a partner who is abusive and say, “I really should break up with this person”.

Whatever your particular circumstances, the effect of the word ‘should’ is the same. See, the problem with continuing to say ‘should’, is that you are essentially beating yourself up on every occasion. You believe you ‘should’ be doing something but you know you are not. You are judging yourself which produces guilt and sabotages your happiness.

So how can you release yourself from this guilt? 

Ask yourself, “Why do I believe I should be doing this?”

Is it based on other people’s expectations?

We live in a world where there are certain stereotypes which are considered desirable, acceptable and the ‘norm’. In many cases, they are unrealistic, impossible or simply the result of an advertising campaign to sell you something. If your use of the word ‘should’ is based on other people’s expectations, or your desire to ‘fit in’, then it’s not really about you at all. You will never find the motivation you need to make changes if this is your truth. And why would you beat yourself up for something someone else believes? Madness huh? This is your life and you never, ever need to justify yourself to anyone else. Accept yourself as you are and let the ‘should’ go.

Is it something you really want to do?

Oftentimes you wish something were different, you want the results that you believewill show up once the change is made, but for some reason you just don’t seem to be able to do anything about it. You feel hopeless as you cannot see how anything can change and helpless to do anything about it. You are completely powerless in this position and the pain you feel as a result is overwhelming.

If you really want things to change then the second question is the most important.

“If I really want to change, what is stopping me?”

It takes a strong desire to motivate change. Even if our current reality is painful, weirdly, we often prefer a familiar pain to the adaptations we may need to make to create something different. In this case, the fear of the unknown is keeping us stuck in a pattern of behaviour which is paralysing. Whilst some people are motivated by the desire for something different, more commonly people are motivated to change because the pain of their current situation is more intense than the fear of the unknown. And things have to get pretty bad before we can acknowledge this.

J. K. Rowling says, “Rock bottom became the foundation on which I built my life“, and this is true for many of us. It is only when we are in despair that we find the strength to move beyond the pain into the life of power and freedom we desire. Pain motivates us to take action.

Sometimes however, you don’t have the information or skills you need to go about these changes. If you have lived your whole life in a certain way, then to do something different seems impossible.  But doing things differently is the only way to get a different result and therefore asking for help is often the first step to take.

Make a decision today to take the word ‘should’ out of your dictionary and choose your path to happiness either through letting go of expectations which don’t concern you, or by asking for help to take the steps you need to enact change. In either case, in the moment you choose, you are reclaiming your personal power and stepping into freedom from guilt and helplessness. And happiness will be your reward …

Who Do You See In The Mirror?

Who Do You See In The Mirror?

by | Jun 26, 2015 | Emotions, Law of Attraction, Manifestation

Every morning when my partner gets out of bed to ready himself for work, a small voice calls out mournfully, “that’s not me”, and I laugh to myself knowing he has either passed the mirror in the hallway or seen his face in the bathroom mirror. He jokes that it takes an hour for his face to bounce back to something resembling the image he expects to see.

And certainly there are mornings when I look in mirror and wonder what on earth happened to the young woman who used to look back at me. There are lines around my eyes, my chin doesn’t sit quite as pertly as it once did and my hair is going distinctly grey under the colour I torture it with.

I often say that nature must have a sense of humour as it seems the older I get, the less I can see.

But beyond the lines that time is drawing on my face, I see a woman who is smart, capable, warm and kind, friendly and one who genuinely cares about her friends, family and the world around her.

It wasn’t always this way.

For many years I was cruel and unkind to myself, focusing on the things that weren’t perfect about my body, my lack of tertiary education and my poor background. The woman who looked back at me was unsmiling, overweight, drab and almost invisible.

She was a direct reflection of the person I saw myself to be.

The more critical and judgemental I was toward myself the more my mirror image seemed to fade. Not in a physical sense as there was plenty of my body to go around, but in a way that was nonetheless tangible. It was if the light inside of me was being extinguished and I was becoming a shadow without a voice.

I did all the usual things. Started yet another diet, started going to the gym believing that if only I could lose some weight, then I would be able to find happiness. I refreshed my wardrobe with beautiful clothes as if I could hide myself inside them. Perhaps if I looked good on the outside, then the inside would catch up.

It didn’t work

No matter what I did to improve the way I looked on the outside, the inside still showed through. The person I truly believed I was, the one I criticised constantly, still greeted me each and every morning in the mirror. It really had nothing to do with what number was on the scale, what colour my shoes were, or what car I drove. It all had to do with me. To do with the way I saw myself.

How do I know this?

You may be familiar with this quote.

Treat others how you would like to be treated yourself

It was a large part of the background of my life and I hear it so often over social media and from parents as they raise their children. And its great advice to remember whenever we are interacting with others. I reminds us to be kind, to be loving, to be accepting, to never judge, to be empathetic and to care.

But how does this help you?

Lets see what happens when we move a couple of words around.

Treat yourself how you would like others to treat you

If you care how you treat others, many of whom are total strangers, why are you not caring for the one person who will be with you every moment of your entire life? What a difference it makes when you move a few words around. Imagine if you have been raised with this resounding in your ears? Imagine how different your life would be if you had been taking care of yourself all your life?

So if we go back to the mirror now … what do you see? Do you see someone who has been nurtured with love, kindness and care? Someone who has been praised for the successes in life? Someone who shines with the knowledge that they are important and valued?

If not, then this is your moment.

This is the day you begin again.

Don’t you dare give yourself a hard time for giving yourself a ‘hard time’ all your life. No more self abuse, no more cruelty, no more unkindness.

Its time to stand up for yourself. You do not need to take a kicking ever again.

Imagine you are meeting yourself for the first time. Greet yourself with the smile you would give to a new friend. Lean forward and give yourself a virtual hello hug.

Start by asking yourself a few questions.

  • How are you?
  • How’s your day been?
  • What have you got planned for the rest of the day?

These are the types of questions someone might ask you when you visit their store. Ask these questions and any others you would ask a new acquaintance. Be genuinely interested in the answers. Imagine you are introducing yourself to someone new.

When you get dressed in the morning be as complimentary as you would be to your best friend. Take pride in how you look, smile at yourself in the mirror, put your shoulders back and stride out confidently. Keep reminding yourself to stand straight, look people in the eye and smile.

And then watch what happens.

The more confident you are, the more people will be drawn to you.

And as you smile at others they will smile back giving you a lift and reinforcing your decision to care for yourself.

It will take time to reprogram your brain as you have been behaving a certain way towards yourself your whole life. Keep practising. Keep deciding and each day you will feel a little lighter.

Remember …

Treat yourself how you would like others to treat you

and watch your life change 

How Our Addiction To Drama Fuels Our Lives

How Our Addiction To Drama Fuels Our Lives

by | Jun 23, 2015 | Energy, Law of Attraction, Manifestation

Life on film, television and in our favourite novels is depicted as a series of dramatic moments between characters. Full of conflict, the tension builds as you ride a roller-coaster of emotion until eventually the events unfurl into a conclusion which tugs at your deepest heart strings. The pain and suffering our virtual friends endure would floor the best of us.

But there is something about the drama which keeps us coming back for more. We need to know what happens next, how our hero or heroine will survive the next scrape, who will get together with whom, and who the ‘baddie’ is. And no matter how unrealistic the storyline becomes, we soak up the emotions as we enjoy the ride.

Gossip is like this too. The person who gossips is getting a thrill from the telling of someone else’s misfortune and the person being told feels important to know. It sets up a cycle of emotion that can feel exciting and even more so when the gossip is particularly juicy. It doesn’t matter whether the gossip is true or false as long as it’s as dramatic as possible. The more controversial the story the more enthralled we become.

Drama does not just walk into your life. Either you create it, invite it, or associate with it ~ Brandi L. Bates

We live in a society that thrives on drama, that is in many ways built on drama – you only have to watch the daily news to experience this.

What happens to your brain when you see drama played out on the screen or in your life?

Your brain cannot tell the difference between something that is real and something that is imaginary. So when you watch drama or engage in gossip, the same chemicals are released as would be present if the events were happening to you. This charges your body with strong hormones giving you a temporary ‘high’ in a way which is similar to exercise. And these hormones can become addictive.

What happens is we get used to, almost numbed by the constant presence of these hormones and need more drama to achieve the same result. This is why the storylines in your favourite soap opera have become more outrageous over time. What used to elicit an emotion from you, now leaves you cold. So, the writers need to come up with ever more elaborate scripts to keep you hooked.

Not all drama is created by other people. Sure there are those who seem to live in a constant state of drama but there are degrees and in our current society it is difficult to avoid it all together.

Maturity starts when drama ends

Now you might be asking what this has to do with you?

Well, imagine your life is like a television show. Most of the time life is fairly humdrum, nothing much really happens on a day to day basis. We can find ourselves bored, tired of doing the same seemingly meaningless tasks day in and day out. Can you imagine watching a TV show where nothing happens? The characters get up, drop the kids to school, go to work, spend eight hours at a desk and then leave to do it all again in reverse.

So what do we do?

We create drama to relieve the monotony of our lives. Most of the time we do this without being aware of it. You may be bored and irritated so pick a fight with your partner. Or perhaps one of the kids drops their food on the floor you have just cleaned and instead of handling it calmly, on this occasion you yell at them. Perhaps you call a friend and have a moan about your partner, the kids, your boss at work … this creates drama as you paint a picture to your friend. Because your emotions are heightened, the story gets embellished with your feelings, it becomes bigger in your own mind than it probably is and you believe the version of events you are telling. And if you friend also has a story to tell … well you get the picture. Suddenly the events under discussion take on a life of their own becoming a soap opera in which the two of you are the main characters.

You each come off the phone feeling better. Someone has listened and most likely sympathised with your version of events and you have released some pent up energy. So the next time you feel annoyed, stressed or irritated, you do the same thing. And before long, you forget how to manage your own emotions and begin to become addicted to drama and the ‘high’ it creates. And as a result, you live your life lurching from one drama to the next. Even the smallest thing can be seen in a dramatic way. Your emotions are all over the place as the chemicals in your brain keep you in a constant state of imbalance.

Now you may be smiling as you recognise yourself, or nodding as you recognise someone else. Whilst there is an initial buzz, constant drama is exhausting. It leaves you drained of energy as the chemicals released in your brain actually damage the cells of your body. It also leaves the people around you exhausted as they endeavour to keep up with the soap opera you have created.

Learning to find balance is vital if you want peaceful and meaningful relationships – relationships with others and more importantly with yourself. If you become addicted to drama, you may find yourself overthinking, overanalysing aspects of your life until you drive yourself crazy. Drama is based in insecurity, fear, anger and helplessness. It is never created by love, joy, happiness or peace.

Drama = Stress

You may believe you are reducing stress by getting your thoughts and feelings out but there are healthier ways to do this.

  • write your feelings in a diary
  • go for a walk or a run
  • listen to music until you feel your mind relax
  • have a bubble bath
  • remove yourself from people until you feel calm
  • focus on the great things in your life

Become aware of when you are creating drama. And pay attention when other people create drama. Speak with a calm voice. Provide balance or keep quiet when someone is living their own soap opera. They want to feel the drama, they want to be the centre of attention and when you give it to them, it escalates engulfing both of you.

Take care of yourself by deciding not to ‘buy in’ to the drama addiction. Your life will change dramatically 🙂

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