Most of us have felt lonely at one time or another but for some, loneliness is a daily, minute by minute companion. To use the word companion and loneliness in the same sentence might sound strange, but loneliness is more than just a feeling; it’s an experience.

It is truly as if a dark shadow has come to sit beside you and steal your joy.

In a world where technology has taken over so much human interaction, more and more people are finding themselves isolated and without a close friend to turn to. Statistics suggest that one in eight adults describe themselves as lonely and that many children are turning to telephone support services to discuss their feelings of loneliness.

Loneliness is becoming the epidemic of our time

So, what’s the ‘cure’ for loneliness?

You might think it’s to get out more. Or to join a club or society to meet people.

But loneliness runs much deeper than simply being in the same space as others and the truth is you can feel far lonelier in a crowd than you you’ll ever feel on your own.

Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty – Mother Teresa

People who are lonely often feel:

Isolated, Abandoned, Rejected, Separate, Deserted, Invisible

Human beings are social creatures. We crave connection and want to belong. But sometimes we feel different from the other people we meet and we struggle to find our place in the world. We don’t understand social norms. We don’t have anything in common with those around us. We look different to others. We sound different from others. The things we love, bore other people. We’ve been taught not to trust others. We feel awkward around strangers. We’ve experienced an event that caused us to withdraw from others.

But there are steps you can take to reduce your feelings of loneliness right now.

1. What Are You Looking For?

When we feel lonely, it’s usually because we feel that something is missing. We look at other people’s lives and they seem busy with their friends, busy with their families, busy with their chosen activities – it looks like everyone else is having fun and we’re missing out. We want to feel the way we imagine they’re feeling.

The first step in becoming less lonely is to identify the emotions you want to feel. You might want to feel loved. Feel accepted or respected. Feel connected. Feel happy. Feel wanted. Feel like you have a purpose.

Finding healthy ways to meet these needs for yourself is vital before you bring new new people into your life. If you look for others to generate these emotions for you, chances are that in fact you will attract people who reinforce the lack you already feel leaving you more lonely than ever before.

Instead, use this alone time to connect with yourself. Spend time getting to know yourself. What are you interested in? What makes you smile? What makes you laugh? What makes you cry? What makes you feel wonderful inside? What drives away the feelings of loneliness?

Begin to notice the things, films, music, events, situations that create the emotions you want to feel and give yourself more of them. Surrounding yourself with the things that bring you joy when you’re alone will raise your energy and ensure you connect with the people who will add to your happiness.

2. Shift Your Perspective

I remember a time in my life when I was feeling unloved. I had a version of the love I wanted in my mind and my relationship just wasn’t living up to it. My conclusion was that I had no love in my life.

But love was all around me. I had friends who cared about me. I had children who loved me. I just didn’t recognise it because I had narrowed my measure of love to one definition. All I saw was what was missing rather than what was there.

When I shifted my perspective, I was able to see that although I had isolated myself in my search for a specific type of love, there were many forms of love to feel. By recognising love in one place, I was able to see it in others.

Sometimes it’s the simplest things that can create the greatest connection with others. Look around you to see who is already there. Start with what you have and build a deeper connection where you are. You have no idea the possibilities that exist in even the most fleeting of interactions.

3. Express Yourself

One of the fastest ways to get to know yourself better is to explore your creativity. Grab a piece of paper and start doodling. Buy a colouring book and get colouring. Listen to music. Learn an instrument. Sing along to your favourite tunes. Paint. Draw. Dance. Create.

Creativity comes from your soul and holds your joy.

Tap into your inner artist (yes it’s in there somewhere) and allow it to express in a way that feels comfortable for you. I love to write and design. A good friend of mine is a painter and musician. Another friend loves to work in her garden. My sister loves to sing and play ukulele. Some people love to cook, knit, sew, crochet … find your thing and give it all you’ve got.

Learning about yourself through creative pursuits will also help you meet others who have similar interests. Even if you’re unable to get out and about, you can join groups online to discuss your passion.

4. Make A Brave Choice

Loneliness can make us isolate further as we feel more and more alone. And as we focus on how alone we feel, we create more of it. We can get so caught up in our emotions that we feel paralysed to do anything about it. It’s a bit like the catch phrase, ‘use it or lose it’. When we stop interacting with other people, we lose the skill and desire to step outside of ourselves. We become comfortable in our misery even though it’s painful.

What if you were to make a different choice?

What if instead of allowing your world to get smaller, you decided to actively make it bigger?

I’m not suggesting you should go out tomorrow and walk into a room full of strangers.

But you could send a message to someone you know (or used to know). You could join a group on social media. You could research an interest group in your neighbourhood and initiate contact. You could go outside when your neighbour is in their garden and say hello. You could create something for someone who is having a hard time to show them someone cares.

First contact might feel scary but generally when you make a move towards someone, they will make one towards you. We all want to feel connected and it might surprise you to learn just how many other people are lonely too.

5. Embrace Your Freedom

There’s something incredible that happens when we begin to appreciate where we are. Gratitude is like waving your magic wand and inviting wonderful things to come to you.

There is a very secret sweetness about being alone that you will miss if you fear it so much – Iyanla Vanzant

There is a huge difference between being alone and being lonely.

There is joy in aloneness.

There is peace in aloneness.

There is power in aloneness.

There is freedom in aloneness.

Being alone means you can make choices to suit yourself without having to consider what somebody else wants. You can stay in your pyjamas watching chick flicks and eating ice-cream (aka Bridget Jones) on a Sunday. You can eat when you’re hungry instead of when you’re ‘supposed’ to. You can keep hold of the remote control for your television. You can watch all the sport you want. You can indulge your creativity in peace. You can see who you want when you want.

Alone time is a gift that very few people appreciate. Embrace your freedom while working on rebuilding your connection to yourself and you will naturally move from loneliness to enjoying your own company.

And here’s the secret power of gratitude. As you begin to enjoy your own company, others will too. You will begin to find people opening up to you, inviting you for coffee and suggesting activities you can share with together.

Remember that dark shadow of loneliness I talked about at the beginning of this article?

Other people see it too. As you begin to let light into your life, the shadow of loneliness will start to lessen allowing people to see you as you truly are. Connect to yourself, discover your joy, embrace your freedom and you will attract people who want to share it with you.

It works every time, with everyone and it can work for you too.

When loneliness becomes your friend, you are no longer lonely.